Life In The Personals Column . . . The Shikseh
Posted: Monday, August 29, 2011
by Octavia Hansen
Octavia Hansen
Before I gained the life that now makes me incredibly happy, I was 'on the market', relationship speaking. That's not really a good term, smacks of desperation, of which I was not, just looking. I had to remind many a person, female and especially male, that I chose to be single. Since I was never maternal, my bio clock was more ticked off than ticking. Still, I longed for something more than friendship and I considered friends with benefits stupid. My benefit is what exactly?
Truth in advertising only applies to national products, marketed to strangers. Knowing this does not apply in classified or personal ads, it was open season! I like to think everyone is intelligent enough to know everyone fudges on their personal ads. Shave a few years, minus a few pounds, reading better on paper than standing next to you in real life, the personals offer a clean slate when it comes to the dating world. And you can have multiple ads for those multiple likes. I knew years ago that no one would go to the symphony and the Sex Pistols in one week. And ads are a way of learning so much more about someone rather than taking that blind stab in the dark -- trying to hold a meaningful conversation in a bar loud enough to damage inner organs.
I read a lot of personal ads. Most are the same, and then . . . there would be a gem -- in a few lines were illuminated the mysteries between men and women, good and evil, comedy and drama. After sizing up the competition, small as it was, it was time to plunge. Not really seeking anyone, yet always wanting to make people laugh, I would spin these comedy routines for myself, hoping I was not the only laughter in the wilderness. People seemed to enjoy them, and a few times I was "Personal of the Month." Yea, try using that on your resume.
To my credit, there is a volume of these, of which I saved the best, and you will be regaled by the others at some time in our future. Try to remember, they are comedy, never meant to offend. And don't bother trying to answer this one or any future personals you read here. My life changed a few years ago. Now all of them are relegated to my past and are used strictly for entertainment purposes only. You may use part of any of my personals, but only if you change the details and make it clear that you borrowed it from someone you don't know, but admire greatly. Enough for the disclaimer.
As one of my finest examples, watching "The Nanny" on television, and taking classes at a Jewish Temple, it was time for me to put on a new mask and become:
Shikseh . . . But I Can Change, What Would It Hurt?
(Where: Temple of Eternal Guilt)
Oy! Vey! You know what you mean! The holidays are creeping up and Aunt Sophie (the decorating goddess) will ask that all embarrassing question AGAIN . . .
"What? You couldn't get that nice guy to come with you this year?" Yea, like I actually KNOW a nice guy, he's AVAILABLE and wants to come to a family event to hear the rest of the relationship lectures . . .
"When I was your age, we were on the 3rd child." (Oh, that's gonna reel in a guy!)
"She's not getting any younger and we'll pay for the wedding." (Strike me down now so I don't have to smile about this through dinner) . . . and . . .
"What are you waiting for? A jewelry sale?" (Yea, thanks mom, like guys aren't pressured enough. I don't even know if I want to share my dessert, much less my life . . .)
Only you can prevent this nasty accident from happening. This could happen to you!
Here's your chance to catch a trophy girlfriend for the holidays and NOT have any responsibility later. The low-fat, no-carb, guilt-free couple-hood you've been searching for. Easy on, easy off – better than baggy pants! Cheaper than fake jewelry and lasts just about as long.
If nothing else, both of us will have very funny stories about family/holiday experiences with that sigh of relief knowing we are not legally related to anyone outside our own clan. The holiday pics will be nothing but fun - this won't last long enough to ruin anything. Keep anything handed to you - drinks, meals, presents, phone numbers to your next encounter or free clinic (half off on Thursdays!). And the comedy - there's ALWAYS something to laugh at!
Since all marriages end in divorce or death, let's have all the fun and go home early. There's a sale tomorrow morning, I gotta be ready . . .
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