The Boyfriend Quiz
Posted: Monday, September 05, 2011
by Octavia Hansen
Octavia Hansen
Okay, so I had this gal friend who was ALWAYS choosing the wrong man. It was her fault, in the dating world what you see is NOT what you get. Deception is everywhere, even Charles Manson had enough going for him to collect a very large "family" around him. I know, crappy example, but necessary to show you how bad things can be in the real world.
To help her achieve something closer to a healthy relationship, save her from wasting time on those who do not come close to the average -- much less normal -- I came up with ten questions to glean the beginning necessary information. Answers to these would be the foundation of any further contact, or eject these guys faster than James Bond's Aston Martin in Gold Finger. When M showed the hidden ejection button on the shifter, I knew it would be useful, just had to wait for the right person to occupy the seat.
Are you ready? I had this printed on a business card -- easy to carry, easy to take back, easy to leave behind. Gals, these are questions you need to ask, and guys -- one wrong answer means nimble fingers pluck this little card from your slow hands, you lose and must start again with another female, someone less picky. This card became a favorite wherever it was handed out, women loved it and kept it. I suspect they kept taking it back from men they met so a lot of mileage was had from each and every card.
The front of the card reads:
Looking for that certain someone who is witty, single and disease free? Then it's time to take THE BOYFRIEND QUIZ! (If married, you must disregard everything.)
The other side of the card reads:
1. Are you single?
2. Are you gainfully employed?
3. Is that your real hair and teeth?
4. Do you have any personal or family history of mental illness?
5. Do aliens or a supreme deity have a strangle hold on any part of your body or your life?
6. Are you on a first name basis with any kind of animal?
7. Are you now, or have you been, a cult member or on a sports team?
8. How hot do you like your food or your girlfriend?
9. Do you have any scars, tattoos, or pierced body parts?
10. Can you describe your lifestyle in twenty-five words or less without laughing?
Leave your responses with the bearer of this card. You will be notified about the oral exam.
(It's actually a verbal exam. The only person who gives you an oral exam is a dentist.)
Comedy routine on a business card serving a useful social purpose. The laughter alone was worth handing these around -- men, women, anyone who needed a laugh. But the information was critical. Immediately, she knew if there was any chance of wanting to know this person. And a sense of humor always being in demand, when someone didn't laugh, that was enough to stop the show. Most questions are straight forward, readily understood. Number 8 is a personal favorite. Hey, if you can't decide on who wants what for dinner, might as well cut the games and keep moving. One of the only answers I remember to this day was from a very nice man so said: "Inversely proportional." I like to think it meant the food was cool and the woman was hot; food easy to digest and spicy women. But that's just me.
When I found myself between boyfriends, I, too, carried this bit of paper to sort out the 'yes, sir' from the 'no thanks.' It was always a conversation piece. A lot of men want to talk to women but don't know how to start or what to say. This card put a lot of people at ease, everyone laughing is a great sign that good things are going to happen.
I had to remind every man that this was just the start. They did not have boyfriend privileges yet. It did not mean I was their 'girlfriend.' I was on the single market for a long time and became VERY tired of the games. I had things to do, wasting time was NOT in my schedule. One man said it took away all the romance. No, it just meant he wasn't creative enough to answer this card.
One more thing. I gleaned a piece of personal philosophy years ago from the kids television program Sesame Street. Clever characters and writing, it covered a lot of social situations with comedy. One of my favorites pieces came from Kermit the Frog, when he was an on-the-spot reporter for Sesame Street News. The location was the palace, the clock was striking midnight and people running everywhere, Cinderella had just left the building. The Prince comes up, holding the glass slipper, Kermit wanted an interview. He wheels around, knocks the slipper out of the Prince's hand . . . and it breaks. Everyone stops. Silence. The Prince moves a few pieces with his foot and says, "Oh, well . . . The Prince is free to dance! The Prince is free to dance!"
So . . . when it was obvious that the man I was talking to was NEVER going to get any further with my questions, I would pluck the card from his paw, wheel around to the passing masses and announce in a clear voice . . . "Next! The Princess is free to dance!"
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