Phrases I Hate (Part 1)
Posted: Thursday, September 15, 2011
by Octavia Hansen
Octavia Hansen
I get out a lot and I love to talk to people, especially men . . . BUT . . . with less and less conversational creativity, I know why these guy don't have a girlfriend, aren't going to get a girlfriend, and if they keep this up they will NEVER have a girlfriend.
Women are not that complicated. If men are really interested in getting to know one, wanting some company, even if it's for the night, they need to listen to themselves. Even they aren't going to respond to an idiot one liner or tacky question.
Let it be known that I did NOT say any of these things to any man's face. I tried to be a good date, polite yet still keeping my sanity and dignity, under the worst possible circumstances. I did, however, THINK these things really loud in my mind and regaled all my gal friends for a long time reciting dates from hell. Every woman has already heard all these phrases at some point in her dating life. Sorry, gals, I'm just reporting these but I cannot get you out of a bad date.
If you hear any of this -- run. Run. RUN! You have been duly warned. These are not even potential friends, they are people to avoid.
Look, guys, if you really want to make it with a woman, NEVER say:
1. I’m really looking for a blonde with a big chest.
Geez, why are you even taking up floor space, standing there, talking to me? As the goddess in front of you, I am neither, and I'm certainly not going to introduce you to anyone who looks like that. Besides . . . I can bleach my hair in an hour and strap on a double D bra, what can you do?
2. You’re the most exciting woman I’ve ever met.
Benny Hill always answered "You don't get around much, do you?"
But for you to say this means you don’t really do anything yourself. You don’t have your own interests or friends so you want me as entertainment. I can be as witty as Jay Leno but I am not wasting it on you.
3. I want an old fashioned girl.
Great! I can quit my job, you can buy me a car and a house, work all the time, die early and I can outlive you in style on all your money. What? Are you a caveman? I can't imagine anyone so boring that they stay home all day waiting for you.
4. I really love kids.
I’m not surprised . . . when you only see them after they are fed and clean, usually before they are down for the night. You don’t deliver them, clean up after them, drive them around, shop for their food or clothes, check out day care, sitters and doctors and have to tie’em on your back so they’re not stolen. Seeing kids on weekends and holidays does NOT make you a responsible parent and that's not quality time, especially if you are trying to include me. I hope your next girlfriend loves kids, too.
5. I have a big dog.
Be sure that the woman you have the least bit interest in also has a dog or you're barking up the wrong tree. It means you can't stay out all night or go off on a weekend whim. Might as well be a kid. No, we are NOT bringing it on a date -- not to the park, not the lake and not overnight or weekend camping. And, no, your dog is NOT different from other dogs, no matter what you say or think or do -- it's a dog. There are a lot of women with dogs, go find one. Trying to prove something by having a BIG dog? Will it serve a family of 6?
6. I like movies.
Be a WHOLE LOT MORE specific. There’s a world of difference between 'Fright Night,' 'Bridesmaids,' 'Conan,' and 'Cars 2'. And don't think you can choose for both of us, I see you dressed yourself and even that challenge was beyond your abilities.
7. Let’s go for dinner, I’ll eat anything.
For the next hour, while driving, DO NOT go on about allergies, special diet, salt, grease, vegetarian, don’t like fish, chicken, beef, spicy, bland, fried, boiled, Italian, Chinese, Indian, Mexican, Thai, Sushi, salad, sandwiches or burgers . . . that leaves water and ice.
8. You do things just like my ex-girlfriend.
Sorry, I breathe like her and have similar body parts but it's necessary since I live like a normal person. Why can’t you just choose your ex’s better? Hmm, just like your PREVIOUS girlfriend? My NEXT boyfriend won't have that problem.
9. You’re a nice girl but . . .
You’re really looking for a bitch to treat you like crap so you can continue to be mean to women. All the nice things that I do and I am don’t count. You want someone to blame all your previous relationship troubles upon so you don't have to take responsibility that you're a bad date. Guess nice isn't enough.
10. I don't think we should be exclusive, we should see other people . . .
That's okay -- I'm already doing that right now. By the time you use ANY of the above phrases, I had you figured out and was hedging my bets.
I was brought up with kindness and consideration but it means little in the dating world. Healthy relationship? When you see one -- point, so I don’t miss it. Bitter? You bet! But it's my bitterness that makes me strong . . . and helps me find comedy everywhere.
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Top-level comments on this article: (2 total)Your explanatory interpretation is beautiful. Your humor combined with your insight is just wonderful.
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O,
Boy, I just scraped by this test! Which is the best thing--next to being King, of course.
Ron
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