Phrases I Hate (Pt 2) or Didn't You Learn Anything From The First List?
Posted: Thursday, September 15, 2011
by Octavia Hansen
Octavia Hansen
If you hated Phrases 1, you'll hate the Phrases 2. For my considerable experience in the dating world, men have actually said these things. If you haven't read Phrases 1, the order doesn't matter, you can still learn a thing or two. I'm not going to repeat my previous tirade, but you get the picture . . . I date, we talk, and then I write down these things because I cannot believe they actually said this to me. Yes, to me! I like to think they are said to all women and I'm not just a basket case these things get thrown into, only to stuff it on the shelf and forget about it.
NEVER say:
1. Is that your real hair?
As a red head, I hear this A LOT! A personal remark such as this cries out for spilling hot coffee in your lap, dumping dinner on your head or backhanding you across the chops. Maybe all three. Good thing I didn't have a big chest -- would you question that, too? Do I ask if the bulge in your pants is a cucumber or a roll of quarters? If you are lucky to date me for a while, or any red head, then you might find out. Keep asking questions like this and you will never know.
2. What’s your sign?
Sorry, it’s unlisted. This is the kind of question asked by anyone with no social skills. This is stupid. I quote signs recently passed in traffic: Soft Shoulder; Slippery When Wet; Falling Rocks; Merge Left. Or quote from product labels: Refrigerate After Opening; Salt To Taste; Expires Next Week.
3. Can we go Dutch?
Sure, I can do that . . . and we'll go in separate cars to separate restaurants and I'll find something else I like that's NOT you. Guys, you can go Dutch any other time in your life with anyone, but do this on a first date and it is your last with that woman. She will remember this FOREVER, and everyone she ever talks to will know how cheap and inconsiderate you are. If you can't afford dinner, do snacks or appetizers, but Dutch will NEVER get you laid. However, if you are looking to dump a gal, go Dutch.
4. I’m looking for someone to settle down with . . .
Hey, I’m looking for a boyfriend, not a cemetery plot. Don’t you plan to do something after you’ve found someone?
5. Answering the phone during sex . . .
Yes, this has happened TO ME! What could anyone be thinking? Can you possibly get a better offer over the phone than someone in bed with you right now? Even if it’s the next woman you’ll be with - she ain’t here now. Wise up!
6. I’ve got another call, can I put you on hold?
Not as bad as during sex, but this is also a stupid move. I got here first. Don’t you have an answering machine? Unless you are a doctor, don't make a woman wait. Even if she's not the center of your universe (which makes me wonder why she's dating you if she's not) make her feel like she is and she'll make you the center of hers.
7. I want a domestic gal . . .
Look, if you want someone to do your laundry, pick up a chick at the laundromat. She'll be really impressed you have your own machine. This includes if you want a waitress, cook, driver . . . maybe you should still be hanging with your mom.
8. When you give up __________ (whatever is important to me, or whatever I am doing right now) . . .
WRONG! I have a life. Unless your life is incredibly rich and interesting, and you make a vow to be with me FOREVER, don't think you are more important than me in my own life.
9. Can you be like ______________ ? (insert bimbo, porn star or bombshell name here)
If we're going for fantasy -- you are not my first choice either. Be glad there's a woman in front of you, it won't last forever and you're not good at this.
10. I don’t like the way you dress . . .
When you buy my clothes, I’ll wear what you want. This goes for where I live, the car I drive and the things I do. Until I'm actually part of your life, you are not entitled to criticize mine.
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Love will NOT fall into your lap, stupid! If you’re thirsty, you don’t go around with your mouth open hoping for water – you gotta go find it! You acquired an education, you work at a job, you searched for your clothes, you prepare foods . . . what makes you think love will suddenly appear?
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The real problem is losing your sense of humour. Everyone laughs in the beginning of a relationship, but as they tell about themselves it gets depressing . . . Please, I can depress myself . . . tell something funny about yourself. Laughter and comedy are your life preserver.
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