First Signs of Pregnancy: As Seen By Everyone Else In Your Life
Posted: Saturday, September 17, 2011
by Octavia Hansen
Octavia Hansen
Now that you have obtained your Golden Oscar For The Ultimate Achievement In Life Award, growing a new life inside you, anyone breathing the same oxygen on this planet will recognize what's happening to you. Some of this is new to you, probably the same as when you had to be told you were pregnant instead of instinctively knowing what your body does after you've been intimate enough with a fertile male. You have a lot of ideas that are bogus and no one wants to tell you this because you will explode with a flood of denial and resentment. Most of us can at least move one chair away from you in this situation; some people, much to their demonic torture for the next nine months of your life, don't have this option.
Take advantage of these moments when the life yet to be is quiet and easily directed, this will NEVER happen again to you or the young life. Read as much as you can. Talking to anyone will consist of you spilling your life story and a litany of anything connected to your current physical state. Much as it is the focal point of your universe, no one wants to hear frequency of regurgitation, bathroom intervals and habits or cravings you assume after mentioning that the world becomes your waiter and must seek out said delicacies.
These are everyone else's sign that you are pregnant:
1. You are a woman, and your front is becoming more so every day. If you are not pregnant, and people ask 'When are you due?' -- that's a sign to cut back on the calories. Those who are showing in front make everyone nervous. Quaint as it is on television or in movies to deliver the next generation in a back seat (where they were probably conceived), elevator or office, only doctors and medical staff who have chosen this field as a profession really want to be included in this messier-than-any-media-will-ever-show-you event. Any woman carrying could deliver at any time, and no time outside of a hospital will be convenient for anyone.
2. The boyfriend stops calling you; a husband doesn't want to talk to you. Boyfriends are flakey enough, which is a good thing when they are out of your way but when you need them -- say to take out the trash, bring home a pizza or pick up the tab for the next two decades on this new shared life, they will be elsewhere. You will forever be a mother, a lot of guys split when they are tired of being 'daddy' or better-deal-blondie-no-kids enters the picture.
A husband can't dodge this bullet but he will become obsessed with yard work, roof work, feeding the homeless, tedious hobbies and anything that takes his time away from you. Get used to it, this is only the beginning and it doesn't improve.
3. Only girlfriends with kids want to talk to you, comparing baby notes. You now will collect a community of gals who can't get enough of poopy talk. This is now your world. No matter how far your education extended, no matter your hobbies or dreams, your laser beam brain is now slicing itself into particles of never ending baby ideas. The Borg consciousness on Star Trek's Next Generation did not have such a close network bonding their civilization together as pregnant women do. Cel phones have at least released the rest of us from this ever shining pre-natal spotlight.
4. Single girlfriends fade away. If you actually hear or catch a glimpse of the single gals you used to know, they will sometimes admit to having been at a party, movie or club, where you were not invited. Your party days are over. The few times anyone tired to include you, anything to eat or drink that was offered, you promptly followed with a lecture of your condition, in minute medical detail, and the pros (probably more the cons) on the food value of what was being offered. If anyone does talk to you in a social situation, they, too, will be pregnant and sign number 3, listed above, kicks into effect. It's a downward spiral.
5. Once a month crankiness turns into everyday anger. No matter what anyone does, or doesn't do, or thinks about doing for you, to you or with you, your teeth are clenched until the snip of the umbilical cord. And you also become Jekyll and Hyde, abusing those closest to you while smarming around those actually deserve your boot. This is not limited to immediate family but at least your friends have the option of walking away . . . forever.
6. Clothes and shoes don't fit. Don't kid yourself, even if you could fit into regular clothes, no one wants to see this. The best you can hope for is that Omar the Tent Maker is having a sale and something is in your color. Consider dumping the wardrobe that was so effective as to get you into this situation. Chances are you will never be that size again and fashion will change by the time you actually want to wear clothes and socialize. Begin with caution, look what happened to you last time you looked good. Maybe the Victorians were right -- after a certain time (determined by a third party so those from the second party would not be part of the family body count) a woman would be shut away until after the birth, making real clothes unnecessary.
7. Mood swings stay basically the same, just shorter intervals. Now everyone knows how Hiroshima felt, before, during and after the bomb, in less than a minute. Even you will not know what triggers this mega lift-off explosion and re-entry calm, it's just there. At least with people who know and love you, the fall out can be minimal. Anyone else caught without a blast shield will be stunned or incinerated. This can possibly have the effect of extreme birth control in both men and women on lookers -- this could happen to them if they ever have sex with anyone in this universe ever again.
8. Food cravings are accepted instead of being held against you. You now have a ready excuse for clearing entire tables and buffets by saying: "I'm eating for two." This is fine as long as you stay in your own pasture. Being pregnant does not entitle you to my plate or even entering my air space at any meal of the day. The only person you can encroach upon is the one who succeeded where all else failed, to produce your current state. And just because you can pack it away at the trough does not mean I'm going to watch. Jenny Craig may love this since it means more bucks for her, to me it's just gluttony.
9. You will be doing less at work and home, yet talking like you are in charge of everything. Atlas carrying the world will not be enough, now the very universe is held by you alone. And you better enjoy this power over mere mortals right now -- after the blessed arrival you will NEVER sleep as soundly and nothing will ever actually be finished. There will always be more laundry, more meals, another doctor, a different school, injuries, recitals, and you will not notice going gray until the mirror shows you Albert Einstein looking back with his hair and your face.
Even though you are not a doctor, nor studied to be one at any time of your life, you will know more about human anatomy and want to enlighten anyone with details to make us heave. Watching slasher films or operation videos will pale in comparison to your aches, pains and descriptions of how hard you have it. Yes, we know you are constipated. Yes, we know you have to be in the bathroom. No, no one wants the details.
10. You will be in family mode FOREVER. Whatever you watch or serve or buy will be about the family. Your vocabulary will devolve to the lowest child's level and every photo will be of someone other than yourself. The photographer never gets in a photograph. Every Hallmark card will be aimed at you, and you will save everything that ever comes within grasp to be stored. "We'll use it later" is now your mantra, right next to "Can you watch the kid for a little while?" I once knew a gal who wouldn't loan me a cast iron skillet for camping, but she'd give me the kid in a second.
Keep telling yourself this is what you wanted. Soon, with the pitter-patter of tiny feet, you won't be able to remember a time it wasn't this way with a kid. No one wants to hear any of your life for the next 20+ years, they have either already gone through it or specifically chosen not to. Some of my friends were fascinated that I actually chose to be childless all my life. Having a choice never occurred to them. Some ask if I miss it. Miss it? It's like asking if I miss my third arm -- if you never had it, it's not missing. My senile grandmother used to ask when was I getting married. After many years, in her mind, I was and had a family. Her question then became, "How are the children?" Oh, they're fine (rather than explain why the house is empty and quiet) but one needs glasses and the other needs braces. Hey, why not cash in on the inheritance early since I'm the only beneficiary? I didn't say any of that but I thought it really loud. After telling her the kids were fine, she never asked their names or where they were. It kept her happy and I didn't need to keep going over it. I don't think she ever knew . . .
If you come from a big family, you might almost be used to your new family and there could be some time off for good behavior at gatherings with people you can trust. I realize there are some women who actually WANT children, but this is beyond my scope of thinking. After seeing what happened to all my gal friends, my decision was easy.
Personally, I don't see how parents do it, much less a single female, and I've seen lots of them. The few times I could help a girlfriend by dropping off/picking up the kid, there were no men around, and I've never seen a dad take his kids to the doctor or dentist. It's all I can do not to back hand a man in the face when wifey is juggling the kid(s), groceries, handbag and stroller.
I once dated a man who said (and I'm not making this up): "I love children. I want a big family -- ten or twelve kids." He was working a minimum wage job, living in a one room apartment, driving a ten-year-old car.
"Gee, that's nice. I hope your next girlfriend does, too."
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