Skip The Boyfriend -- Go Straight To Marriage!
Posted: Monday, September 19, 2011
by Octavia Hansen
Octavia Hansen
Okay, 25 years of dating has gotten me nowhere. I take that back -- after dating men in a four state area, tossing away the problems and married guys, a boyfriend is farther away than the Sun. Since any of my relationships have NEVER worked out, and I'm actually not girlfriend material (too much fun, too much travel) it's time to move onto the next phase.
I'm looking to be Mrs. Ex-Somebody and the only way to get there is doing the marriage thing. It’s time for “The Brittany Spears Special” -- fly in, marry, hang out a few days, get divorce/annullment and be done! This will complete part of my 'done everything' list without the bother of kids, house, dividing property or alimony of any kind. If we both bring separate cars to the airport, when we get back it's over. Easy. No muss. No fuss. You can keep the towels and mini soaps. I'll buy my own ring and only think of Vegas (not you) when I flash it around town. I don't need to wear white (man, that's a stretch by anyone's imagination) but I'm sure you'd look handsome and dashing in a tux for the 20 minutes we have to be vertical and say "I do", or "I will" or "Until I get a better offer." The entire weekend (maybe a few extra days if we get a great package deal) is for the fun of it.
True Love is not on my horizon, never even parked in my yard (even up on blocks with no wheels), so this is as close as I will ever come to everyone else's life. I know I chose a one-of-a-kind, unique and creative way of living but I thought being outside the norm would at least render companionship. Considering the number of frustrated / misunderstood men with Viagra, there should be a revolving door at my place.
The marriage should be soon - then it will be over that much sooner and I can get on with less frustration in my life and start writing that rock opera, crying-in-your-beer, I'm-So-Lonesome-I-Could-Cry-songs I am just too happy to complete today.
In Las Vegas:
You'll come back with a souvenir shot glass from every casino visited.
You'll chow down at the finest buffets on The Strip.
You'll have rice thrown over your head at various clubs.
Depending on how cute, manly and fun you are, we'll mess up the sheets enough to either have a good time or make the maid think we did.
You'll have a souvenir photo of the blessed event and a ring (not responsible for finger turning green after sweating or in the pool)
You'll have a brand new ex-wife!
No fights. No problems. No bad feelings about marriage and women in general.
When You Return:
Depending on arrival time, we could go for departing nachos.
I'll pay for parking and help throw your bags in the trunk.
I'll wave goodbye like we actually knew each other and did something.
I'll never call you again, don't need to see or talk to you.
You get to keep your house, IRA, the kids, the dog, the blender, and whip up a sad tale for any and all future women in your life for that constant sympathy factor.
We'll never meet again. Even if we happen to see each other, we don't have to acknowledge a thing.
This is the disposable marriage I have always dreamed of. I don't have to make breakfast, don't have to see you off to the office, won't be home when you get back. Your stuff will never be in my bathroom and I don't have to introduce you to anyone. I'll keep the dress, the video (if I look really good) and get a whole lot of gifts and empathy from all the females I know. We will probably talk bad about you but since you're nowhere to be found and no one knows you, this won't ever be a problem.
Stop thinking and start packing! We can meet at the airport to save time. Hmmm, a wedding dress and a divorce dress. This will be all carry on . . . (This offer subject to void when I meet a hottie I can't keep my hands off and need a 2nd marriage really fast.)
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