Start Now, We'll Be Done By 2012!
Posted: Sunday, October 02, 2011
by Octavia Hansen
Octavia Hansen
Yes, I proposed this before and I really want it to work but it's a long story. So I'm back.
We are strangers right now but if we start early, we can be great friends by Halloween, a couple by Thanksgiving, on the skids by Xmas and break the whole thing off by 2008. It would get all the holidays out of the way. None of that awkward "Where's your date?" or "Are you bringing anyone?" or the ever popular, "Did you ever get that contagious rash looked at?"
What you'll get:
Wit, charm, a woman who looks great in an evening gown and smiles through the toughest family get-togethers. We can split the gas and have a ready excuse to cut and run at a moment's notice. This can double your social life -- twice as many parties, yours and mine. Or, if you have no life, this could be your holiday treat to yourself. This limited offer can include some home cooked meals, looking at holiday lights, receiving presents (you keep EVERYTHING given to you) or handing out presents (which I will purchase in advance -- no pressure on you). You may have to dress for Halloween and/or stand under mistletoe on demand. You don't even have to speak -- smile pleasantly and we'll get through this together.
What I offer:
I can stand by your side at your family's social occasions without saying a word, my dental hygiene makes it easy to smile with confidence. I won't leave with your friends. I won't back hand your dad for making a pass. I will pass the potatoes without dropping anything in your lap. As a non-drinker I can always get you home safely, no matter the time or distance. I expect to keep everything given to me. I can divert attention from those incredibly mean comments you received last year like "Couldn't dig up a date?", "Are the therapy sessions out for the holidays?", or even "I guess she couldn't do better than you at the last minute." When given the go ahead, I can cut family members down to size with a crass remark, and since I won't be around after the new year, they'll pat you on the back for dumping me. It will be a relief to your family that I will never be related to them, and ANYONE you bring home after me will be welcomed with open arms.
This can work for both of us. A date 'on call' yet none of that awkward closeness, intimacy or anything physical. You'll have the look of a winner and . . . no, that's all you'll have. Start now! We have to put up a united-couple-front as quick as possible. This offer may include but not limited to: The Autumn Solstice, Autumn festivals, concerts, movies, dinners, lunches, coffee, nachos, guitar shows and if you are really cute, a possible sleep over.
The biggie holidays with NO escape that we have to couple over are: Halloween, Thanksgiving, Xmas and New Year's Eve.
Options are: Daylight Savings Time, Veteran's Day, Hanukkah and Pearl Harbour Day. Boxing Day we'll have to talk about.
Lucky you! I'm between social engagements - my prom and my funeral.
_____
ADDITIONAL: Yes, this IS a TERRIFIC offer, but unfortunately (or would that be typically?) the responses have been excuses (we haven't even met and already with the stories?), a few praises (thank you, you're so kind but still lame) and some that didn't understand the question. It's in English. If you don't get it THEN DON'T ANSWER. Quit clogging my email. ONLY if you have a sense of humour, TIME for a great date (or series of same) and actually want to meet should you attempt contact. Anything else is stupid.
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