My Next Boyfriend Won't Have This Problem . . .
Posted: Wednesday, December 28, 2011
by Octavia Hansen
Octavia Hansen
When guys would talk about their "EX", I would talk about my "NEXT." Whatever it was, my next boyfriend would not have that problem I was sitting through then.
I used to date . . . a lot. Let me say that again. I used to date A LOT. And even though people say you learn from life experiences, I never actually learned anything more about men than the day I started when I actually noticed there was an opposite sex. What I have learned is to NEVER date the same guy after I've dated him. I'm not civilized enough to be "friends." I have a lot of friends. Really good friends I will keep close or at least in contact, until the day one of us dies. It's like marriage-lite -- it's better. I find as long as sex is not involved, everything can be just fine.
Over the last three years I have not dated and have lost my edge. Kind of like weaving in and out of traffic, do it every day and you get the knack. Lay off a while and you're reflexes won't be so sharp. But I have found, since I have been out of the loop, I have gained an incredible amount of perspective. Sort of like looking at a chess game from high above but not actually playing -- you can see everything and not be emotionally involved.
Knowing karma has a way of catching up to me, I have already begun thinking about when I return to the dating world. There are things I will look for that never occurred to me before:
Only date orphans. Doesn't matter how old they are, if there is any kind of family involved, particularly the parents, there will never be peace. That adage about you don't just date/marry the person, you get the entire family. Woo, boy! And if there's just his mom involved, he's the only thing she's got and she ain't partin' with it easy. I can imagine people held onto the railings of the sinking Titanic with less vigor.
Do not date anyone with more than one dog, especially if they are show dogs. These will be more precious than children to them. And they will say how much more loyal they are. I'm not surprised, these are people who cannot get along with their own species and the species they love are not loyal to their own species. You will always be third, if that, in their life.
Don't date anyone with bad teeth. This represents an entire lifestyle that you will pay for one way or another. Bad teeth can be equated with bad breath and bad health. They will always be picky about their food, their face, their life. And if/when they ever fix their teeth, you will be their nurse, dietician and personal companion as this goes on, probably forever. You better like soup and mashed potatoes.
Don't get close to anyone who says they will give up smoking/drinking/drugs after they are with you. If they don't do it before, there is no incentive to stop once you are in their life. And if there is any conflict about it, they will do MORE than they originally did. Like any hooker will tell you, you gotta make the deal BEFORE anything is done.
If they don't call, don't call them. It's a waste of everyone's time. If someone likes you, they will get in touch with you, even if they have to use the phone line next to their cot in the Emergency Room, or someone else's phone. For all the machines that can take a message, don't wait at home wishing and hoping. Even Dusty Springfield didn't wait -- she sang a song about it, made it a hit record and toured the world. She wasn't waiting by her phone.
Beware unfinished projects laying about. Hmm, never refinished that table? Entire wall not the same color? Guitar or keyboard in the corner gathering dust? Exercise equipment holding up clothes? What's one more unfinished project -- like you? It shows a lack of discipline, a laziness about life. Think I'm kidding . . . see cars up on blocks with grass growing under them? That's not the only unfinished item in the house.
Beware a yard too perfectly manicured. This is the sign of a perfectionist, so focused on the one project that anything else is a waste of their time. This means you. That person will have mower nicer than your car, garden tools will be grander than dinner silver, and weekends mean picking weeds or planting by hand. Looks for signs that these people watch gardening programs, particularly on Public Television.
And lastly: When you REALLY love something (music, oral sex, camping), make sure the person you want loves it, too. Unless the person is also REALLY into this, don't think you are going to convert someone to the passion of your life. This may work for a few years, but I guarantee it will mean you giving it up for the duration of the relationship. I know too many guitar players who gave up the music they loved for a partner, who later dumped them for the same reason, they picked it back up, and then found another just like that. I don't know what guys are thinking, but it's obvious they are using their other head. When women do this, it's their set up for a very profitable divorce later. Trust me on this. It happened to Paul McCartney, Phil Collins, John Cleese and a whole bunch of others.
How can you be sure? Well, no one can ever really be sure, but I've always found a year living with someone will tell you how life will be with them FOREVER. You will learn about their family, the holidays, how they treat people or animals, what they do in their leisure time or how cheap or frivolous they are. This can save you a lot of time, money and heart ache in the long run.
And believe me, when it's the wrong person, you'll know!
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Top-level comments on this article: (3 total)hahaha....Octavia, interesting and well, staying single maybe is better but we can still have fun, less burden less stress.
Your descriptions would make anyone want to stay single, who already is. Doesn't give those looking much hope.I like to think as long as you're laughing, then everything is okay. Not everyone has to be married to be happy.
I love your stuff. As always. I have an article: Men are from Uranus, Women are from Saturn. I think you might like it. Good job, as always.
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