Advice To Men: Know What You Want
Posted: Tuesday, February 07, 2012
by Octavia Hansen
Octavia Hansen
This was too funny. A man's personal ad that has everything in it that a woman doesn't want, then he wonders why he's alone. I had to clean up his language since he didn't have much of a vocabulary (women HATE that) and was rather narrow in his demands.
His personal ad:
This is where I tell the world what I am looking for. But I have no clue. Coming off of a recent break up, I'm confused as to what I really want right now. Do I try to find Mrs Right or do I have a little bit of fun? I am leaning more toward the latter. ( -- Here I am going to leave out the detailed personal information but you can see where this is going -- ) Or perhaps go out and find a female and have a great platonic relationship. You know the kind where you can say anything to each other without reservation or judgement; call up when you have a bad day at work to rub my head and tell me to go at it again tomorrow. I'm 37, and after one failed relationship after another, I am not convinced that Mrs Right is out there. Now I know I'm no walk in the park when it comes to relationships, so maybe I need time to think about things (gratuitous cursing here about needless bodily references) so when she does come along, I don't do the things I have in the past.
Who I am and what am I looking for... First of all, I want a pretty woman, someone natural, very little make up, nice smile, fashionable, non smoking, no drugs, and doesn't talk like a retard... (there's more to this, too, but since there's no one on the planet with these qualifications, I'm editing his literary work).
About me: I'm above average, I have good looks, but not the best looking guy in the room. I guess it's more my personality that attracts women. I'm active, I eat well, take care of my appearance and body, but could always do better... (more description of himself that says nothing about him personally, only materialistically)
So, is there anyone in the same boat? Feel free to reply, I like feedback!
_________________
Ahhhhh! That was a painful read. Now comes my answer/advice . . . what he gets is probably not what he thinks he deserves. Read on:
Don't know what you want? Who are you kidding? Apparently, only yourself! Searching for a woman but you don't know what you want? The only thing you left out of your post was her name and address, you already picked out her looks, her weight, her lifestyle and fitness habits. What? No demanding shoe size? You probably already know the size of her breasts and the books she reads, or will you tell her that, too?
Have you actually ever been friends with a woman or only talk to one that you think will get you layed? Getting to know someone is more than seeing them naked. You probably have a lot of guy friends but rarely actually talk to a woman. Very few men even learn a woman's name if they don't think they will get lucky. Shame, every woman has a network of gal friends and you can meet them all if you are nice to her. Not every woman will be the love of your life . . . so what? You can't have a beer? Talk? Laugh? Sounds like you are way too serious during a first meeting, and this puts off a lot of gals. Sort of like a first date when a gal already has the kid's names picked out and you still can't decide which dessert looks best.
Look, everything you ask for is okay . . . but get real! Every guy is looking for a woman who has all that going for her, and she's with someone else. What do you have to offer that's different? Or better? Or something that she might possible want or need? Unless you're stealing someone's wife or girlfriend, the lady you describe is already taken.
You are probably an okay guy. So? What will make a woman want to go out with you, much less show off her talents in the kitchen or the bedroom? Maybe you should start with a list of what you don't want . . . smoker? drinker? pets? travel? I hate it when a man says he likes movies. Be specific, bud! There's a HUGE difference between The Help and Transformers.
And it would really help if you had a vocabulary rather than talking like a sailor on leave. Everyone thinks about sex. People can't stop thinking about sex. You don't have to go into detail, at least not while you are still in the meeting/getting to know someone phase. Nothing puts a lady off faster than a man who can't talk about anything but sex. It'll be there. Just like having big tits, it will always be there when she's there.
You are above average? Yea, that's a selling point. You go on and on about mundane points that anyone has, like it's an accomplishment. I know why most guys are single -- they offer everything women aren't looking for. Hmmm, porn star experience. Yea, that's gonna draw in the ladies. Do you actually listen to women or just rent porn? For all that goes on in porn films it's a shame that men aren't better lovers. So it gets you off. So what? If you expect the ladies to stay around, you have to do something for them. What are you . . . lazy? tired? bored? One of those men who think that when they can't please a woman she must be gay? Like throwing that in her face is gonna make sex any better.
What are you reading? Where do you get your ideas about women? I think you must hang out with the guys a lot and bash women, then think you're good enough for one. It may put you in good with the guys but unless you want to keep hanging with the guys, you have to learn to communicate with women.
It's a scary world out there for the ladies. Everyone wants something from them, few men give anything back, the rest are just garbage in a great suit. You'll have to get to know women, individual women, to be able to understand and build anything with one. You're like a thirsty man who goes around with his mouth open, thinking someone will give him a drink -- or maybe rain will just land in your mouth. Love ain't gonna fall into your lap! You'll have to be a nice person, use nice words and understand that like snowflakes, every woman is individual. If you could ever actually build a relationship, you would learn together how to please each other, in and out of bed. Oooooh, it's gonna take some time and be difficult. Poor baby! You had to learn a lot of things in school, you learned things for your job, you worked at saving money, what makes you think love is going to be easy?
If you just want sex, that's okay. You've got everything either a poor gal or a hooker could want, and then you'll leave and have to start again with someone else. You talk a lot about sex but I'm not hearing much love . . .
You want the whole package? What? You think people were born into the couplehood they now enjoy? They work for every minute of each happiness that comes their way. No couple automatically holds hands, loves their relatives or needs in-laws but it's part of the whole picture. Unless you date orphans or mutes, or buy an Asian-mail-order-bride, you are going to have to learn some people skills. Mostly, some social skills for women. Even Tarzan learned a few things from Jane. Even King Kong was devoted to Ann Darrow. Think a woman is gonna be a doormat to your desires? Maybe for a while, but it'll probably cost ya!
You are a sad case . . . all dressed up and no where to go. You think you do all the right things but don't know what to do after that. You are still very young at 37 to not have gained maturity with women. You seem frantic, like a high school boy ready for prom night. Gotta calm down.
Think about someone you admire, someone who is good with women. James Bond is a favorite role model. Women remember ALL the James Bonds, all their moves, the sharp dressing and the attitude. You're more like Jim Carey in The Mask -- desperate, fast but directionless. He only got the gal in the end because it was written in the script. Mel Brooks and Anne Bancroft were married for a lot of years, that was a great couple.
You need to read more, it will slow you down. You probably should laugh more, women love someone who makes them laugh. And you should know yourself before you expect others to read you like a tarot deck. If women were that psychic, we'd all be at the poker tables and lottery store, not wasting time with men who want to be loved but give nothing in return.
Who knows? I'm only a woman . . . I may have it all wrong what women want.
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Top-level comments on this article: (1 total)--
O,
I loved this article! Frankly, the only reason for the four stars is that you didn't include more of this guy's actual words. I mean, how am I going to learn these good pickup lines and words if I don't see them? And another thing, these words of yours:
"Women remember ALL the James Bonds, all their moves, the sharp dressing and the attitude. You're more like Jim Carey in The Mask -- desperate, fast but directionless."
Geez, those are my choices?!! I'm in deep doo-doo. Of course, you did list some of my bad habits and you pointed out an important part of the solution--those of us in desperation need a good mommy-girlfriend like you to get us straightened out, but as you indicated, you gals are taken. My fingers are crosssed, but more probably we're screwed (figuratively speaking).
Ron KelleyYou are WAY AHEAD of other guys . . . you think, you write, you have an opinion. I didn't use most of his words because they smacked of High School and hating women. Like I said, he does NOT have any friends who are women. You don't want his pick up lines -- they are obviously not working for him yet he still had that attitude.
And you, my literate friend, have a lot of choices. I got the impression this man is looking for one type only and that type does not like him.
Let me clue you in -- since you want improvement, woman or not, you'll do good things, and you'll appreciate the gal when you find her, 'cause she'll help, not criticize you. I'd also like to say I was single for 50 years . . . no takers. My loving man and I only connected a year ago after almost a life time of dating, searching and getting to know ourselves and others.
One of my favorite statistics: in any population, there are more women than men. You will never be alone and there will always be someone just for you!
Thanks for reading!
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