Football Movies . . . or . . . Kick Me When You See Me Watching!
Posted: Tuesday, February 07, 2012
by Octavia Hansen
Octavia Hansen
Now that Super Bowl XLVI is a thing of the past, I may continue with real life. It was a daily thing to remind everyone that no matter who was playing or where, it did not effect my life one jot. I was telling this to people who bought the shirt, wore the hat, talked the talk and walked the walk with football somehow being some part of their life, even though they did not play and were not there.
Football movies are predictable, as is every sports film: some green team gets pounded most of the movie and then pull out a massive victory at the end, to the tune of magnificent music, almost making it a religious experience. There's no story left once the final points are made. What? Are you surprised? It wasn't gonna be Shakespeare.
Strangely enough, considering my negativity for team sports, there are certain movies that include a football game that I favor. I've either seen or own these films and I will watch a few more times for sheer entertainment value.
M*A*S*H. The movie. Most people do not remember, but there is a football game in this movie -- involving some soldiers and the doctors of the M*A*S*H unit. There is an athlete called by a nick name politically incorrect yet still funny and later lost for the television re-incarnation. Remember what it was? 'Spearchucker' Jones. Anyway, the doctors knew they could not win in a straight game, and they were too smart to incur physical damage so they resorted to stabbing opponents with a sedative in needles everytime they dog-piled a tackle. There was a lot more to the movie but that's the part I like best . . . brains over brawn.
John Goldfarb, Please Come Home. This almost unknown gem was written by William Peter Blatty -- Yup! Same guy who later brought you The Exorcist wrote this comedy. It stars Richard Crenna and Shirley MacLaine. It's a minor film from 1965 and has yet to come to DVD but it's worth finding even a VHS version. Can't find that? Watch for it on late-night TV, it's still a hoot! A fictious oil-rich Arabian king's son was rejected by Notre Dame, so the king won't sell any more oil until his newly created ivy-league school plays and defeats Notre Dame in a wonderfully silly game held in the desert. It's a spoof on everything . . . spies, the cold war, harems, football, oil, the state department. It works on so many levels. Don't pass up the great sound track, too.
The Fortune Cookie. A camera man (Jack Lemmon) is slammed by a football player (in a spectacular stuntman staged accident for the film) and his ambulance chasing brother-in-law (Walter Matthau) tries to parlay the injury into a massive damages award law suit. Predictable but still fun.
Flash Gordon. In 1980, Sam J. Jones and Melody Anderson were hysterical in the campy sci-fi retelling of this reluctant hero, with a lot of glitter costumes and a soundtrack by Queen. Yes, there is a football game of sorts when our hero meets The Emperor Ming at the palace. He's going great until he gets hit in the head . . . story of a lot of athletes, isn't it?
Rocky & Bullwinkle. Bullwinkle can't be beat when he's drafted as quarterback for Wossamotta U. Boris Badanov wants to fix the game, why he doesn't just bet like anyone else makes the whole story. And, of course, Natasha Fatale is always stunningly beautiful, as a cheerleader, as a fan and as a spy.
Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult. It was 1994 and O. J. Simpson was still a hero, or at least a celebrity. Now that his name is mud, this is great to watch because Simpson gets pounded by anything that isn't nailed down. Okay, so there's not a football game in it, but I'm a sucker for gratuitous violence when the right person takes a fall.
Other football films are too serious. Some one dies, someone is injured, someone loses, someone wins, the game goes on seemingly forever and I'm bored to death.
Football used to be a game. Now it's an overpriced media event where guys who should be playing for free are now some kind of celebrities because they hit each other very hard while wearing protective gear. It would be so much more fair if every pro-athlete was paired with a teacher and their salaries reversed.
Vince Lombardi said: "Winning is not everything, but making the effort to win is." Oh, yea? Well, football is still a game and I quit playing games, especially ones where someone can get hurt, a long time ago. Hey, my movie's starting . . . isn't that Hawkeye stealing a jeep?
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Top-level comments on this article: (1 total)Do you remember this? Use a secret resource to tell you this stuff? Or are you magical?I remember all of this stuff . . . shows how much time I have on my hands. And I have a copy of these movies. I don't bother with Batman or Star Wars -- everyone knows them. I like the off-beat silly stuff and anything that makes me smile is worth sharing. I hope you have seen some of these movies, especially John Goldfarb."John Goldfarb, please come home" Dahdahadhah. I can still hear the strange harmonics and rhythm. Could you do me a favor and read "5 Murdered People on the Bridge" and see if it was too dark a topic. Of course, anything about suicide is going to be dark, but I was trying to be positive about the topic. I would Appreciate your take.I DID read that! It was so good I cried! It's wonderful! Dark? Well, yea, but it makes the point. I read more than you realize! I had to find my tissues so I could write about it.Thanks much. If you could put a little comment in the article, I would appreciate it.
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