Marquis De Sade Dating . . . or . . . How To Be More Obnoxious Than You Really Are
Posted: Friday, February 17, 2012
by Octavia Hansen
Octavia Hansen
Dating is the necessary?ritual before marriage, or it should be. If you haven’t dated – LUCKY YOU! No matter if you are the Date-er or the Date-ee, it's time consuming and often expensive. Once you start, it’s a habit that is hard to break, even for married people.
I will tell you how to get end an extremely obnoxious date by being extremely obnoxious. This gives the other person a chance to walk out on you, you won’t feel bad and they won’t have a wounded ego. Everyone wins – you don't have to sit through a meal, this person won't come home with you and you can still catch reruns on late night television.
This plan of action should not be permanent. There are a lot of naturally obnoxious people in the world . . . try not to be one of them. Sometimes, I know, you can’t help it. It’s?okay, you’re human.
A lot of people are moral cowards. Who can blame them? You try to be nice but sometimes you cannot get rid of a person who has decidedly attached themselves to your leg. Ego boosting as this is, it does make dating anyone else at the very least . . . awkward. So, if you can make yourself REALLY OBNOXIOUS, they will break it off and save you the trouble. Some people do this without even thinking. Evidently you are not one of them or you wouldn't be here and now reading this. Don't worry, for the morally upstanding and relationship responsible, you, too, can be dumped and saved any guilt or shame.
Obnoxious Beginnings: The best time to fail at a date is at the beginning. If you plan this right, you won't even get out of the driveway with a date, or if you meet them somewhere, you have the rest of the night off.
1. Arrive late. This could be the show stopper from the get go, the later the better. If possible, call after the time you were supposed to be there, say you're be late and then be even later.
2. Don’t be ready. When you finally arrive, don’t have that tie in place or maybe comb your hair at the door. This is a real crowd hater. Ladies, make the guy hold your purse, coat, hat, gloves, anything while you are still pulling yourself together, and if possible, start walking so he has to follow you while holding your wardrobe extension.
3. Wrong name. Whoever you are meeting call them by the wrong name, or look their name up in an appointment book. This is good for a 10-minute time waster. If by chance you do get the right name (There are so many Jennifer's, Michael's and Michelle's lately), come up with a crappy nick-name just to tick them off.
4. No gas. When you finally get into the car with your date, assuming it's still on, tell them you have to get gas. This really irritates women: it makes their shower and perfume worthless and can give you that gasoline smell the rest of the evening. This is especially effective if it’s really hot or really cold and you leave the?door wide open while you fill up. Don't worry, if you have gas, stop at 7-11 for ANYTHING. Leave your date in the car, walk around the entire store, talking with everyone. Nothing?is more humiliating for your date than being stared at by homeless people or goth kids late at night in a dangerous neighborhood.Gals, if you are doing the driving, stop at the BIGGEST store you know for feminine products. You'll be alone before you can say 'Midol!'
Obnoxious Middles: This is really easy. This is ALMOST a guarantee that being publicly, socially awkward will ruin any future plans for your victim -- I mean date. Doesn't matter the setting (movie, bar, restaurant), you can do this anytime, anywhere.
1. Mouth open chew. Chewed food can be a real turn-off. This works well if the other person is deaf and has to read lips. If you can lose some food out of your mouth while chewing, you're almost a free agent!
2. Order something pungent. Garlic, onions, curry, raw fish -- an odoriferous reminder all evening. This could keep you out of the clenches should your date drop amorous hints.
3. Drop or spill things. This comes naturally to most people. If you’re wearing white, drop something of color; if you’re wearing black, drop something like light gravy. Reach for glasses or condiments and be sure to knock something over. Also, dragging a cuff or shirt sleeve through food is a real eye sore. If you can manage to soil your date, it'll be over before "Check, Please!"
4. Appetite killing conversation. Start your evening's conversation with Nazi war atrocities or torture in the Middle Ages; then move on to any kind of disease, latest funeral, massive automobile accident, weather death toll, personal or family operations (but it has to be in blood curdling detail). Any topic that will ruin an appetite can save you bucks and time.
5. Ignore the check. When you get to the end of this gastronomic nightmare and the check is presented at the table, don't look at it. No! Quick! Look away! If you can, slowly push it towards your date. If it gets stopped along the way, begin to fumble for your wallet or credit card like you can’t find them. This creates high anxiety in your date. If you thought about this before hand and actually left money/cards somewhere else, it will be the last time you see this person. Game over. You win!
Obnoxious Endings: If you’ve gotten this far and your opponent is still playing skillfully, you need a big finish. This is easier done than said:
1. Look at your phone or watch – often! Talk loudly about how you have to get up very early and you have to go now. Act nervous, look around a lot, no date eye contact. Date will have sympathetic nervousness and look for excuse to end the evening.
2. Have a food reaction. This includes burping, perhaps farting, grabbing your stomach and possibly throwing up at some point, if you want to be convincing.
3. If all else fails: Get them within blocks of their house/apt, stop at 7-11 AGAIN, send them in with a $20 bill to get something, THEN DRIVE OFF.?This will cover any taxi fare and/or a 6-pack for home use.
Happy dating and hope this doesn’t happen to you!
This Article has been viewed 463 times. (Not updated in real-time.)
Top-level comments on this article: (1 total)--
Good laugh, O.
Ron
We want your comments! If you can read this, you don't have javascript enabled, so you can't use this comment system. Please enable javascript.